Felt so horrible just now..
was supposed to feel happy today coz i went dinner with my mother side family and stuff.

My relatives dun really approve of me being a christian and all..
they feel tat its bad,im with christians and tats y im lidat, im juz inflenced etc etc..
using the chinese saying, jing zu ze chi, jing mou ze hei thingy really made me feel uncomfortable..
coz usually people use this to say for bad company..
but since when did christians become bad company?
they allow me to go church, but i can never b a christian.
church taught me alot of things... things tat i can learn in my life, things tat are right..
lyk not having sex before marriage is a good example..

but they dun understand and i duwana make the conflict worse by trying to explain things to them coz i noe they are so darn persistant in their stand.
trying to defend is juz gona make things worse..
so i juz kept quiet..
but i wasnt very happy..
i love them.. and i duwanna lose them coz i wanna go to god..
but i duwanna lose god either..
i never expect their reaction to be that great as to say all the bad stuff about christians..
giving examples of the city harvest and say that christians brainwash ppl to give the church money and all.
but i noe its not true..
they dun understand coz they didnt go and learn more about it..
but it makes me feel kind of sad.
i duno what to do..
how to have both..
im already gng to rch my 20s..
cant i choose my own religion?
according to them, no.. i cant.. i dun have a choice.
coz they feel tat christians and buddist clash.. and coz of tat, we will seperate..

wen, i went home, i quarrelled with my mum..
she kept talking about my 21st birthday..
even wen everyone in the car told her tat its 1.5 years later...
she juz kept talking abt it non-stop,
worried abt this abt tat..
haiya..
thn the topic lead to her comparing with my cousin again..
tat shes v gd.. pretty and tall..
thn she blame me for being short.
HOW CAN I BE TALL IF SHE AND MY FATHER IS SHORT?
im already taller thn her!
wad else does she want?
thn she goes on complaining that im v rude and unfilial to her.
my aunt ask her to exchange me for my cousin..
she clearly didnt want coz she noes that my cousin was more rebellious..
but no.. she wasnt satisfied..
she wants me to be her independent puppet..
ever heard of tat?
means, do your own housework and give her plenty of money yet listen to her everything
tat includes ur hair length, the clothes tat u wear( nth too short of show any bit of ur cleavage)..

does this kind of ppl exist? I DUN TINK SO..
she can choose 1..
either me, whos very dependent on her but listens to her.. including hair length and all her nonsense..

OR

independent gal who wants her freedom.. tat means i can do anything i want. go clubbing, work anything i want, take any religion..

BUT Nooo
she wants everything, HER INDEPENDENT PUPPET.
wad kind of world is this?
there is a price to pay for everything..
she juz feels tat i have to b lyk her!
go work, go home , watch tv..
no social life and nth..
"y can i lead tat life and u cant?"

COS IM NOT YOU!

u quit sch in primary sch..
I DIDNT!
u had a lousy job..
I DIDNT!
u had no life and no money!
IM DIFFERENT!

which part of D-I-F-F-E-R-E-N-T do you not understand?
U WAN ME TO B LIKE U?
ok!!!
i will quit sch now and be a factory worker my whole life?
HAPPY WITH TAT?
im like you! u wanted me to be like that didnt you?
FOLLOW YOUR FOOTSTEPS!!

dun say " u only follow the bad things"
I FOLLOW GOOD THINGS AS WELL JUZ TAT U DUN GIV A DAMN OR TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED..

Y CANT I GO CLUBBING? IM AN ADULT NOW.. WHICH LAW SAYS TAT I CANT GO?
Y CANT I GO? WHY MUST I LISTEN TO YOU?

COZ I RESPECT YOU!
but u nv respect wad i wanted!
yeah, u gave birth to me so i muz listen to you..
so y dun u juz ask me to go and die..
coz u lead me with no choice to do anything and im nth but a puppet to you rite?
i let you control me for 19 years!!!
19 years is long enough!
all i ask for is this teeny bit of freedom!
freedom to go overseas with my friends, go clubbing etc..
Y CANNOT?
Y U ALWAYS COMPARE ME WITH HER?
Y CANT I COMPARE U WITH MY AUNT?

we'r different, she works and i dun. so i cant giv u wad she gave her...
SO?IM DIFFERENT TOO?
Y MUST I ONLY FOLLOW THE GOOD PARTS OF HER?
wen she go clubbing, y cant i do the same?
U LIKE TO COMPARE RITE?

yaya, im being ridiculous..
your ALWAYS right..
right to ask me to cut my hair and not leave them too long despite being a GIRL..
right to ask me to wear ugly clothes..
right to do everything..
I CANT CHOOSE RITE?